


No face in the mirror

by PrinceofBadassery



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Bucky/Steve BrOTP, F/M, Gen, Tony "I am not your god damn mechanic" Stark, but he secretly loves it, more avengers later probably, post the winter soldier, sad hobo bucky
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-06
Updated: 2014-07-01
Packaged: 2018-02-03 16:16:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1750826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrinceofBadassery/pseuds/PrinceofBadassery
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"In the end Steve found him in front of his old apartment in Brooklyn, face unshaven and hair unwashed, his clothes had seen better days. Filthy was the word that first popped into Steve's mind as he approached him and then everything was clear.<br/>"Bucky?" " </p><p>Steve finds the amnesic Bucky and takes him back to the Avengers Tower to fix his arm, things don't exactly go like Steve had hoped, but Bucky eventually comes around and moves in with the few Avengers that live in the tower. While Steve tries to get his friend back, Bucky discovers that maybe he doesn't need this memories to be someone.</p><p>Gen now, definitely fluff later. Stricly movie verse for now, might bring in comic backstories.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language, so don't be too harsh.

In the end Steve found him in front of his old apartment in Brooklyn, face unshaven and hair unwashed, his clothes had seen better days. Steve would have mistaken him for any other homeless guy, but something had stopped him and he had doubled back and taken a second look. The man's eyes were fixed on one window on the third floor and Steve had followed the gaze and recognized the window as his old apartment. He had crossed the street and slowly approached the man. On close inspection he noticed that the left sleeve of the man's jacket was empty, his right hand pulling it tight around himself. Filthy was the word that first popped into Steve's mind as he approached him and then everything was clear.

"Bucky?" He said softly, but the other man startled anyway. His eyes widened as he looked at Steve. Some form of recognition in them, but not the right kind. Bucky frantically looked around and turned to leave; his movements lacked the precision Steve had witnessed in the Winter Soldier.

"Buck! Stop, please." Bucky stopped but didn't turn back around.

"I don't know who Bucky is." His voice was barely above a whisper, he sounded like he was afraid to admit it, expecting Steve to scold him at any moment.

Steve took a step forward. "That's okay. Please, I just want to help you." He tried to reassure the other man.

Bucky shook his head, his right hand dropping to his side, fist clenched.

"Please." Steve repeated. "Let me help you."

"I knew you." Bucky finally said after a long pause.

"Yes, we were friends."

Bucky shook his head again, but slowly turned around, pulling his jacket back close again, but not before Steve could catch a glimpse his left arm in a make shift sling. Bucky did not look at Steve and instead focused on some point on the concrete between them.

"I know a guy who could fix that." Steve gestured to the other man's metal arm. Bucky's eyes widened for a second at the mention before he stared blankly at a spot on the ground again.

"I promise you. I won't turn you in, nobody will hurt you. I just want to help. Please, Bucky. Let me help you." Steve pleaded again. He didn't know what he would do, if Bucky decided to run away again. This was the first time he got close to him in months and now he knew why. He had assumed with his skill and training that the Winter Soldier was long out of the country but with his metal arm defect … He had had no other choice but to live on the street and he had blended right in with the homeless population in New York city. One thing gave Steve hope, Bucky had somehow managed to find his way to Brooklyn to the exact street Steve had lived in in the 1940ies and he had recognized the apartment somehow. It had to mean something, Steve hoped.

"Please." Steve extended his hand in a peace offering. "I'll call us a cab and we'll get you cleaned up, get you a decent meal, fix your arm. Yes?"

Bucky was unresponsive for another moment, but then took a small step forward, he didn't take Steve's hand but it was enough. Steve hailed the next cab that drove by not letting Bucky out of his sight for a second, which it turned out was not necessary, as he didn't make another move until it was time to climb in the car, just standing there clutching his left arm under the jacket with his right hand, gaze unfocused on the ground.  

In the cab Steve watched Bucky closely, who in turn looked out of the window, watching the city pass by, hand still on his arm.

“What happened?” Steve asked. No response. Steve couldn’t imagine what had to happen to Bucky that broke that arm. Natasha had told him she had short-circuited it during a fight and it had worked fine afterwards. Steve had seen bullets bounce of it, maybe it had happened during their last fight on the Helicarrier, he didn’t like to think about it, what if it was his fault Bucky was in this state. The rest of the ride was passed in silence.

They got out in front of the newly named Avengers tower Bucky looked up at the tower while Steve paid the cab driver. People around them paid them no notice.

"We're going to go in through the back door, Buck." Steve reassured the other man when he saw the wariness in his eyes. "I am going to call my friend and give him a head's up." Bucky's eyes flickered over Steve's before settling on the ground again. Steve could feel his friend's trepidation and was tempted to give him a pat on the shoulder but resisted the urge, no telling what physical contact would do in this moment, for all Steve knew it might just push Bucky further away and cause him to run. He had a feeling that he was walking a thin line with Bucky right now, the other man was on the verge of a flight response and all that kept him next to Steve was the prospect of some help. It implied a certain amount of trust and Steve wanted to avoid everything that could compromise that.

Steve speed-dialed Tony and got JARVIS on the line, who patched him through to Tony despite Tony's protests.

"What's up, old man?" The engineer asked.

"I need a favor, Tony."

"Oh, like one of those favors concerning your old army friend who turned super assassin on your sorry butt, that kind of favor? What secret Hydra base do you want me to check out for you now?"

"Nothing of that sort, but it has to do with Bucky." Steve replied.

"Oh?"

"I'm coming in through the back, maybe you could have a few medical supplies ready."

A moment of silence on the other end. "Steve, please don't tell me that you got him with you?"

Steve pinched the bridge of his nose, Tony did not sound happy.

"You can't be serious, he's dangerous! I'm not letting him in my tower. Urgh!" Tony gave an exaggerated sigh. "If SHIELD still existed I'd call them right now."

"They don't. Tony, you know how important this is to me."

"How the hell did you find him?"

"He was in front of my old apartment in Brooklyn, no idea if he remembered or if it was a coincidence, but he's injured... sort of. He agreed to come with me. I can't lose him now!"

A sigh on the other end of the line.

"Fine, but I am getting Natasha up here as well."

"Fine."

Tony hung up and Steve pocketed his phone again. Bucky had not moved but he seemed tenser than before, he clearly had listened to the conversation.

"I'm dangerous." He said.

Steve stepped forward.

"Maybe, but I am willing to risk it."

Bucky let out a shuddered breath. "Why?"

"You're my friend and I said I would help you. I’m always keeping my word.” He sighed. “I’m not going to turn you in, you are free to leave at any point. I promise."

Bucky nodded slightly and Steve guided him to a side alley next to the tower, where behind some dumpster a door opened as they approached. Inside they entered an elevator and after a long ride the doors opened to a bright room on the top of the tower where Tony stood leaning against a pillar.

"Well, look what the cat dragged in. Jeez, he looks terrible, couldn’t you have hosed him down or something."

Steve stepped out of the elevator but Bucky stayed pressed into a corner, his good hand pressed to his face, breathing heavily. It occurred to Steve that this might be the moment Bucky realized that it had been a bad idea following him.

“Bucky, this is Tony, he’s going to fix your arm.” Steve stepped back into the elevator, gesturing with his hand to Tony, trying to coax his friend out of the corner. At last Bucky looked up and eyed Tony verily.

“Woah there, old man, who said I was going to fix his arm. I’ve seen what that thing can do, in my opinion we’re all better off, if your friend here stays invalid.” Bucky’s whole body tensed up and his head jerked to Steve, his eyes full of fear and betrayal and something that reminded Steve of their confrontation on the bridge, something dangerous and cold. In that moment he knew that the Bucky he knew even was further away than he had thought initially and everything depended on their next move.

Steve glared at Tony and he must have looked angrier than he thought, Tony backed off, lifting his hands in defense. He shook his head. “Fine, I’ll take a look, but Natasha needs to get here first.”

At last Bucky moved out of the elevator but stopped just outside, his eyes darting around the wide room. Steve knew he was looking for alternate exists, but up here an elevator was the only way down, unless you knew how to get to the emergency stairs on the other side of the building. “You can take this elevator down any time you want, Buck.” He reassured his friend, whose body was still tensed to the max.

“JARVIS, keep the elevator doors open, will you?”

“Yes, Sir.” Came the mechanical reply from Tony’s sentient assistant. Bucky twitched at the sudden voice but said nothing. Nobody moved, Tony eyed Bucky, who had finally resorted to looking at the floor again and Steve took the opportunity to look around, he guessed Natasha would take one of the other elevators up.

“Who’s Natasha?” Bucky asked suddenly. Tony raised an eyebrow at Steve prompting him to explain and Steve fumbled for words for a moment. “You met her. She shot your glasses on the bridge and electrocuted your arm.” Bucky nodded. Steve wasn’t sure if he remembered or if he just accepted the facts Steve just told him.

It was then that the elevator doors next to Steve opened and Natasha stepped out gun at the ready and aiming straight at Bucky's head.

"I thought you were joking, Stark."

"I really wish I was." Tony pushed himself off the pillar and ran a hand through his hair.

"Okay, how are we going to do this? JARVIS, ready the scanners in the lab -"

Bucky's scream interrupted him.

"No scanners! No machines!" He yelled at Tony. "No!" He fixed Steve with a fearful look before retreating back into the elevator corner, good arm over his head. "You said you'd help me!"

Sobs wrecked his body as he fought hard to keep back the tears.

Tony stared at the mess in the elevator. "I- uh.. I need something to go on, I can

't just blindly poke around inside your arm, I'll possibly make it worse than it already is." He tried to explain himself. He had not expected such a pitiful reaction from someone mainly known for his cold-hearted ability to kill. He looked at Natasha, who gave him a one sided shrug, still keeping the gun level with Bucky's head.

Steve rushed inside the elevator too and put a hand on Bucky's left shoulder, not sure if the other would actually notice. Bucky noticed and shoved him square in the chest with his right hand, glaring at him. "You said.." he started and then his eyes drifted to the side of Steve's head and his brows knit in confusion. "You said..." he repeated, not sure what Steve had actually said. He grabbed his head and squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head violently as if to shake off unwanted thoughts or maybe get lost ones back.

Steve slowly took a step forward again, raising his hands and making no movement to touch Bucky again. "I said I'd help you, I keep my promises. No scanners, no machines, however you want it, Buck, okay?" He glanced back at Tony imploring him with his eyes to assure Bucky as well.

Tony let out an exaggerated sigh and gestured wildly. "Fine, but I can't guarantee that I won't mess anything up."

"I'm sure you can do it." Steve said and turned back to Bucky.

"We'll do it in the kitchen. I'm getting some tools." Tony said and walked off, cursing under his breath.

"See, no scanners, everything is fine. Now come." Steve slowly walked out of the elevator hoping his friend would follow and after a moment he did. Bucky ignored Natasha who followed after them to the kitchen, not once letting Bucky out of her sight.

Steve glared at her briefly, but she cocked her head and the look on her face said everything. There wasn't a chance in hell she would lower that gun any time soon.

In the kitchen Steve got Bucky to sit on one of the kitchen chairs and Tony returned soon with a box of miscellaneous tools in one hand and pulling a small metal table on wheels with the other. He pulled another chair close to Bucky's left side and a positioned the table between him and Bucky.

"So, you're going to let me see it, big boy, or what?"

After a brief glance to Steve Bucky pulled the jacket of his shoulder revealing his metal arm, he slipped out of the jacket completely and dropped it to the floor, he was only wearing a shirt underneath that at some point might have been a dark green, now Steve was not so sure anymore. It was probably hard to change clothes when your metal arm is not responding anymore.

Tony whistled, it was the first time he saw it up close. Bucky pulled off the sling and the arm dropped into his lap, with some help from his other hand he positioned the arm on table next to him. Except for a few scratches it actually looked like new, the metal shiny as ever, and Tony could not find any visible damages on first glance.

“Where is the problem?”

Bucky refused to look at Tony and instead looked straight ahead. “I can’t move the elbow joint and the fingers are unresponsive most of the time.”

Tony rubbed his temples and scooted his chair a little closer to the tiny table.

“Okay, I will try my best, but first I need to make something clear. If you are faking it and try to pull anything, if you so much as move that arm into my direction without me saying so, the nice lady over there, will put a bullet or two into your brain, maybe more. Got that? The only reason I am doing this is because Captain America over there thinks it’s a good idea. I don’t necessarily agree, but I kind of wanted to tinker with your arm –“

“Tony.” Steve interrupted.

Tony held up his hands. “Are we clear?” He said again to Bucky. Bucky at last looked at Tony and slowly nodded.

“Good.” He grabbed one of the tools from the box. “Now where is the access on this thing or do I need to get a saw?” Bucky twitched for a second and shook his head. “Give me a second.” He whispered and closed his eyes. For a moment nothing happened than the soft sound of mechanical whirring filled the room and Tony’s eyes widened as the two of the metal plates on Bucky’s arm disconnected at the seams and folded in on each other, another pair followed, slipping underneath the others, and another, until the middle section on his upper arm was free of metal plating and the complex wiring was exposed.

“Nice trick.” Tony remarked, Bucky still had his eyes closed, his face scrunched up in concentration, his breathing heavy. “So that still works, interesting.” Tony said.

“The plating is not connected to the internal wiring.” Bucky explained. “For... easier access.” Tony nodded and took a closer look. “I’m going to poke around a little, don’t hit me please.” Tony warned before he picked up a second tool and started prodding inside the metal arm.

The atmosphere was tense, nobody moved. Bucky sat still except for his heavy breathing, his flesh hand clenched on his thigh. Natasha stood a bit off; gun still trained on Bucky’s head but otherwise appeared relaxed. Steve stood next to the table watching Tony with his arms crossed, ready to intervene should anything happen.

A few minutes of silence with only the occasional tool clanking on the table as Tony worked. “I think I found the problem.” The engineer mumbled eventually.

Next everything happened fast. Steve didn't know what Tony did but Bucky suddenly cried out and faster than anybody would have expected his right hand was at the engineer's throat and two shots rang out through the apartment. Two bullets lodged themselves in the back of the seat where Bucky's head had been only a split second earlier, than Steve was between Bucky and Natasha, shielding his friend from her bullets.

"Get out of the way Steve!" She yelled. Tony gasped for breath and desperately scratched at Bucky's arm.

Bucky's eyes were fixed on Tony. "You made it worse!" He hissed.

"Bucky stop! He was only trying to help!" He pushed the table between the two out of the way to get into Bucky’s line of sight and Bucky's metal arm dropped like a dead weight. "I can't feel it anymore!" He yelled at Steve, betrayal and rage visible in his eyes. "You said you'd help me." It was almost a sob that now escaped the Winter Soldier's throat.

"I am not done." Tony managed to get out despite Bucky still squeezing his throat tightly. Steve grabbed his friends arm and slowly pried him off of Tony, but Bucky was still set out for murder and did not budge. "He's not done, Bucky, he'll fix it." A few tense seconds passed before Bucky finally released Tony's throat. He leaned back on the chair breathing heavily, his left arm hanging limply by his side, the metal plating still open. He closed his eyes and covered them with his hand, his breathing still heavy and uneven, suppressing sobs.

As soon as he was released Tony got up and stumbled a few feet away, coughing violently. Natasha rushed over to him and held him upright, gun now holstered.

"Wonderful idea, Steve, just wonderful." She called. "JARVIS, call an ambulance."

"No." Tony coughed. "I'm fine."

"You just got choked, you need to be checked."

Tony shook his head. "No, it's alright, I should have said something. My fault. It's connected to his nervous system, I just… " More coughing.

Steve hovered next to Bucky not sure what to do, he wanted to comfort his friend, but he doubted that anything he had to offer would help right now, at least he had stopped trying to murder his team mate.

After a few minutes Tony had stopped coughing, but his voice was still hoarse. With Natasha's help he positioned the small table again and gathered the tools that had fallen to the floor when Steve had pushed it out of the way.

"Bucky." He said cautiously. "I'm going to put your arm back on the table, okay?"

Bucky nodded but made no move to actually help. Tony reached over the table and grabbed his arm by the wrist and immediately let out a groan as he lifted it up. “Holy crap, what is that even made out of. Do you know what kind of alloy that is?”

“No. “

Tony grunted as he positioned the arm back on the table. “Pity, I would have loved to know. Maybe we can run some tests later.”

“No tests!” Bucky hissed at him.

“Okay, no tests. Jeez. I think I deserve a little compensation for this though.” He gestured to his throat.

“No tests.” Bucky repeated, squeezing his eyes shut and pressing his palm against his eye. “No tests, no scanners, no machines.” He mumbled.

“Okay okay, I get it. I am going to reconnect the wires now, so you should be able to move your arm again. I don’t know how that is going to feel, but please keep your hands to yourself this time. I kind of value my life.” Bucky nodded again and relaxed a little in his chair.

Tony got to work again announcing each time he connected a wire again. After the third he asked: “Still nothing?” Bucky shook his head, his fist clenched again, he stared straight ahead. “Huh, okay, I see how this works, interesting, this is the last one.” He would never admit it, but the thought that he might have messed up had crossed his mind several times over the last minute, and he would rather not feel the consequences if that was actually true. While he did trust Natasha to put a bullet into the Winter Soldier, he was not sure if she was fast enough to do it before the Winter Soldier actually killed him.

What happened next nobody anticipated; the moment Tony connected the last wire in the Winter Soldier’s arm, the man keeled over in his chair screaming in pain, clutching his shoulder where flesh met metal. Steve rushed over to him, but the next moment a metal hand became a metal fist and the small table between Bucky and Tony was no more, tools cluttering to the floor once again and Tony jumping up eager to put a decent distance between himself and the newly functioning metal appendage. Bucky hissed in pain and curled up on himself. For several moments his heavy breathing was all that could be heard in the apartment.

“Bucky!” Steve called out when the pain finally seemed to have subsided, but the other man had only eyes for his left hand, he unclenched and clenched his fist over and over, staring at it in amazement. With soft whirring the metal plating on his upper arm slid back into place, completing the armor once again.

“Congratulation, you’re armed again.” Tony remarked with a smile that was a little too cheerful for someone who almost got choked to death and Natasha raised an eyebrow at him. “Really?” She mouthed; she had drawn her weapon again, holding it in both hands, trained on the Winter Soldier’s head. He showed no inclination to move but better safe than sorry.

Steve moved to kneel down in front of his friend but Bucky got up faster and shoved him aside hard. Bucky grabbed his jacket and with quick strides walked over to still open elevator, putting on the jacket as he walked.

“Bucky, you don’t have to leave, you know?” Steve called after him, but Bucky did not stop or turn around, without another word he entered the elevator.

“I could stop the elevator.” Tony suggested, but Steve shook his head sadly, the disappointment visible on his face. “I promised him he could leave at any time. I am keeping my word.”

The elevator doors closed on the Winter Soldier and the three Avengers were alone in their tower again.

Steve pulled out another chair at the kitchen table and sat down, elbow on the table and head in his hands. Natasha sat down next to him, putting her gun on the table.

“He’s not the person you once knew, Steve.”

“He found my old apartment, he must remember something. He trusted me enough to come here, I can see it in his eyes, there is something that remembers, it might not be much, but I have to try.” Steve sighed.

“I want to help him in any way I can, even if he doesn’t remember, I just don’t want him to suffer, but now I might have lost him forever, I think he was only stuck here because of his arm, he might be out of the country tomorrow.”

“Doesn’t really matter.” Tony chimed in and Natasha and Steve turned around at the engineer, who was now holding one of his Stark pads in his hand. He dropped it on the table in front of them, it showed a zoomed in map of Manhattan, the area around the Avengers Tower and on it was a small red dot moving away.

“You put a tracker in his arm.” Natasha said. Tony gestured to himself. “Please, like you wouldn’t if you had had the opportunity.” Natasha cocked her head. She had to agree.

Steve stared at the screen, at the tiny dot moving around the streets of New York. Maybe there was hope.


	2. Chapter 2

The man everybody insisted on calling Bucky left the Avengers Tower the same way he had entered it. He walked past the dumpsters and onto the main street, people were not giving him a second glance and he preferred it that way. He was not familiar with this part of the city, but he hoped to either come across a landmark he knew or find a homeless shelter with a shower in this area. He didn’t have any money on him right now or he would take a cap back to where Steve had found him.

Steve, he knew the man of course, after the Helicarriers had destroyed each other he had pulled him out of the river. In that moment he had no idea who Steve was, only that he was important, that he knew him, but he didn’t know how. After that, he had tried to find information on him and had stumbled upon the museum in DC. It felt forever ago and somehow his thoughts had been clearer, he knew exactly how to get money, how to get a disguise, how to get into the museum, back then it came natural to him. Now his thoughts were jumbled, all over the place, like there was more than one person in his head.

The museum hadn’t helped, because he had found himself, or rather the man that he used to be, if he believed it.

He didn’t, it made no sense. He could not remember any of the missions Steve and Bucky and the Howling Commandos had done back in the 1940ies. He couldn’t remember any of them. Their names didn’t sound familiar. He had visited the museum many times, memorized the stories, the pictures of Steve and himself. Now it all came back to haunt him, he couldn’t tell what were his thoughts and what was only a made up memory that his mind tried to piece together from the displays. He had left soon after, DC had still been crawling with cleanup crews and military. He had taken a train to New York, it hadn’t been a conscious decision. He had considered several other locations that his mind had provided as “safe-places”, but somehow that hadn’t seemed right anymore, he had disobeyed his orders, there was no place that was safe anymore and he had no idea how much of his former “employees” where still out there.

He rubbed his eyes. Lost in his thoughts he had walked several blocks already and the streets didn’t look familiar to him. The whole ordeal had been exhausting. He looked down at his left hand and curled the fingers, testing again if they worked. The limb worked and felt normal. It felt different than his other arm of course, heavier, less sensitive. He couldn’t even feel the fabric of the jacket he was wearing on it. It needed a bit more to trigger a response from the pressure sensors underneath the metal plating than simple clothing. He pulled out a glove from his jacket pocket and pulled it over his metal hand. Even in New York City metal limbs are not that common and he was still a wanted man.

He wandered the streets for several hours, the area was not getting any familiar and the huge billboards and signs started to aggravate him, so many things he didn’t understand, didn’t know. It was also getting late and he had not found a shelter yet, the chances on a bed tonight were slim. He looked around again, the street name did not sound familiar. Somebody bumped into him. “Watch it asshole.” Someone said. It was too much, too many people, too much noise, the light was too bright, he needed to get away from it all. Somewhere calm, somewhere where he could sort his thoughts or what was left of them. He found a back alley and sat down in the cleanest spot he could find. He carefully leaned against the wall, now noticing not for the first time how sore his back was. After weeks of inactivity they protested at the sudden increase in movement. What was left of his muscles in his back and chest that connected to the arm now had to provide energy for it again and it already took its toll.

He leaned his head back and tried to clear his mind. The problem was that once he had waded through the mist his mind was mostly clear, a blank slate were his memories had been and it was unsettling. He knew there was supposed to be something but he just couldn’t get ahold of it no matter how hard he tried. He couldn’t remember.

His past was the worst. He wanted to believe those stories in the museum, that he was the man so many saw as a hero, but the emptiness in his head left no doubt that that man was not him.

Now his name, that blank he could fill. Bucky according to the museum and to Steve and Winter Soldier according to the HYDRA, he didn’t like either. Bucky was the guy Steve knew, that wasn’t him, not anymore. Winter Soldier, that wasn’t him either. The Winter Soldier was a machine, designed to kill, the Winter Soldier had no emotions, showed no mercy. The Winter Soldier did not make decisions; he was there to obey orders. There was nothing human about the Winter Soldier.

The man sitting next to the dumpster next in a small alley felt like he was at least a little bit human. He had made decisions, hadn’t he? He had decided to save Steve after the Helicarrier crashed. He had decided to go with Steve today. Something in the back of his mind still screamed, screamed so loudly over his thoughts it threatened to drown them out again, to drown out his own thoughts. He did not want to lose his thoughts again so he tried to lock it away, the screaming, obey, it said, kill. Kill Captain America!

“NO!” Bucky clutched his head in his head, pressing hard on his temples. “No.” He shook his head violently. “No.” He sobbed. He slid down the wall and curled up on himself, alone in the alley the tears flowed freely and as sobs wrecked his body of one thing he was sure.

The Winter Soldier didn’t cry.

 

* * *

 

 

“Steve.”

“Mhm?”

“It’s been three days, you need to stop staring at that thing.” Natasha pointed at the Stark pad in Steves hand before flopping down next to him on the couch. “He’s not coming back.”

“I know, but he’s not leaving either and he hasn’t moved for a while now.“

“Maybe he found the tracker and took it out.”

Steve shook his head. “No, Tony said, he hid it that well, he’d have problems finding that thing himself. No. I think something is wrong. He should have been of the continent by now, at least out of the country, but he’s still in Manhattan. Actually… I think he’s walking in circles.”

Natasha raised an eyebrow. “Really?”

“Yes.” Steve put the Stark pad down on the table. “Jarvis, could you give us an overlay of Bucky’s position over the past three days on the big screen.”

“Coming up, Sir.” Jarvis answered and moments later the big screen in front of them flickered to life with a map of Manhattan, highlighted was a red path circling through lower parts of the district, but never leaving a certain area.

Natasha huffed. “Weird. Maybe that’s where his favorite homeless shelter is?” Steve threw her a look. “What? I mean he is basically homeless isn’t he? What if he doesn’t want to leave the city because he likes it here?”

“Then why not live with us?”

Natasha sighed. “Steve, he doesn’t even know who you are, a few months ago he wanted to kill you. If you don’t plan on turning him in just leave him be. We’re all better off without him.” She got up and walked over to the kitchen area. “You want a beer?”

Steve shook his head. “No thanks.” His eyes were fixed on the map in front of him. Spots were highlighted where Bucky had stayed for longer than a few hours, back alleys mostly, not once had he stayed in a building overnight. “JARVIS, is there a shelter in that area?” “No, Sir.”

Steve was almost at the elevators before Natasha could say anything.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going to get him.”

Natasha groaned, put her beer back into the fridge and hurried after him.

“You’re obsessed.”

“He’s my best friend, I have to help.”

Natasha caught up with Steve as the elevator arrived. “He’s not your friend anymore.” They stepped into the elevator.

Steve glanced at Natasha before staring straight ahead and remained silent for a moment as they elevator rode down. “I know he might not be, but I am ready to accept that.”

“You don’t sound like you would.”

“I had almost four months to think about that.” He turned to Natasha who raised an eyebrow at him and had crossed her arms. “I just want to help him.”

They exited the elevator, Steve walking with long strides through the foyer, with Natasha following closely behind. “And how are you going to do that?”

“Well, first I am going to get a nice big pizza.” Steve smiled and pushed the big entrance door open. Natasha shook her head; her mind was already formulating a report for Fury about Captain America’s mental state until she realized that SHIELD was no more. She shrugged and decided to go along with whatever Steve had planned, if only for damage control.

Half an hour later in a back alley in lower Manhattan Natasha and Steve got out of a cab; Steve holding two big pizza boxes in his hands, while Natasha watched her phone closely. “This is the street.” She said and pocketed her phone. “You’re going to bait him with pizza, that’s your plan.” “Yep.” Natasha shook her head.

Finding him was not hard, he was alone in the alley, sitting on the dirty ground leaning against the wall, knees pulled up and arms around them. His head buried in his arms. He looked the same as the last time they saw him, when he had left the Avengers Tower in a hurry, except for the glove he was now wearing on his left hand. He did not seem to notice them as they stood in front of him, Steve holding two pizza boxes and Natasha ready to draw the gun hidden underneath her jacket again.

It was hard to believe that the pathetic heap in front of them was the feared Winter Soldier who was responsible for so much death and destruction.

 

“Bucky?” The voice cut through the nebula of thoughts in his mind, he had given up trying to silence the screaming that was beating against his own thoughts, drowning them out and slowly eliminating them. It was simply too much too bear, along with his physical exhaustion he did not have the energy to fight back, to push the screaming to the back of his mind, to think clearly, but now the voice was something he could focus on. It was familiar. Someone kicked his foot and he looked up. Seeing the two people in front of him finally allowed him to push through the cacophony of thoughts and a flicker of recognition crossed his face. “Steve?”

 

 

Steve’s face lit up, a wide smile stretching over his face. “Yes!” He exclaimed enthusiastically, but his face soon dropped as he watched Bucky’s face turn blank again. “What do you want?” Bucky asked.

Steve looked down at the pizzas in his hands asking himself if it really was a good idea, but before he could say anything Natasha chimed in. “Everything good with your arm?” A half smile gracing her lips and it looked far more intimidating than comforting. Bucky pulled the arm in question closer to his body and covered it with his other hand. “Yes.” Natasha nodded and Bucky’s gaze dropped from Natasha to the ground. Steve threw her a questioning look.

“Just making small talk.” She shrugged and then nodded first to the pizzas and then to Bucky.

“Right.” Steve cleared his throat. “I promised you some food.” He held up the boxes. “And I keep my promises." Bucky’s eyes narrowed as looked up to eye the pizza boxes.

Then his eyes focused on Steve's face. He didn't say anything for a long time and Steve dared not move or say anything, just looked back at the man. He tried to read Bucky's expression but his face was blank. He hated seeing his friend like this. It reminded him of the first time he had seen him, when they were fighting, when the words that broke his heart had been uttered. Steve shook himself out of it. There was no use in going down that road again, he had been there often enough and he had to remind himself that now was different. Bucky might not remember much, but he remembered something and that was something that Steve could work with. Bucky still stared at him, then his eyebrows furrowed in confusion and he looked to Natasha as if she held the answer to a question he didn't ask.

"It's not poisoned." She provided, but the look on Bucky's face didn't change. He looked back to Steve.

"Why are you doing this?" He finally asked; his voice hoarse and barely more than a whisper.

"I already told you. You're my friend. I don't need any more reason." Steve took a step forward in good faith and reached out a hand to help Bucky up, but he flinched away from the hand and instead awkwardly grabbed the wall for support and pulled himself up, keeping his left arm pressed to the side of his body. He reached out his right hand for the pizzas, his head turned to the ground again, his dirty hair falling into his face, concealing it.

"Why don't you come with us, eat the pizza at the tower, take a shower and get clean?" Bucky pulled his hand back again and pressed himself against the wall behind him.

"I promised that too." Steve said. At that Bucky looked up again and nodded at Steve.

"I can leave whenever I want?" He asked tentatively.

"Of course, but if you want, you can stay there, get your own place." He paused and studied his old friend, he seemed to consider it.

"A quiet place." Bucky uttered to no one in particular.

"Yes, it's quiet there, nobody will bother you. I promise."

Bucky pushed himself off the wall and took a step towards Steve, like a few days ago Steve took it as a good sign and gestured to the alley exit. "We're taking a cab again."

As the two men walked back towards the street, Steve threw a look at Natasha that clearly said ‘I told you so’. Natasha rolled her eyes and shook her head but followed closely behind them. She could already feel the mess that was going to happen soon, but kept quiet. The look on Steve's face as Bucky had accepted his invitation had tugged at her heart and that was something that did not happen very often.

In the cab Natasha chose the front passenger seat while Steve climbed into the back first. Bucky hesitated, but Steve offered him the pizzas and soon Bucky was sitting in the cab as well, holding the two boxes protectively on his lap.

Half an hour later they were riding the back elevator up, Bucky squeezed himself into a corner as best as possible with his two pizzas still in his hand. Natasha quietly shook her head at the protectiveness he was displaying over his food, but she figured he probably hadn't eaten in days.

The elevator dinged and the door opened, Bucky hesitated at first, but he recognized the place. Once he stepped out of the elevator the doors shut behind him and he stared in shock at them.

"Don't worry, you can go back down anytime you want, remember?" Steve called from the kitchen when he noticed Bucky had not been following them.

Slowly Bucky turned away from the elevator doors.

"Come here, you can put the pizzas on the table. You can wash your hands there." He pointed to the sink. "I'll get you something to drink." Steve turned to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of soda. Bucky dropped the boxes at the same place he had been sitting three days earlier, before quietly walking past Steve to the sink.

When Steve turned around Bucky had made no move to wash his hands though and was instead staring at his still gloved left hand.

"Is something wrong with your hand?" Steve asked concerned. Bucky perked up, his eyes wide, before returning his gaze to his hand. He made a fist and shook his head. "No."

He quickly pulled the glove off and washed his hands, taking the towel Steve offered him and methodically drying off both his hands.

At last he settled at the table and opened one of the boxes, the pizza was not even close to being hot anymore, but Bucky didn't seem to care. He separated one of the pieces and within seconds it had vanished into his mouth. A second soon followed and a third.

Steve watched his friend wolf down the pizza and put the coke bottle next to the boxes. After two-thirds of the first pizza was gone Bucky noticed the drink and gulfed down half of the bottle.

Meanwhile Natasha had settle on the other end of the table, choosing to sit on the table instead of the chair, and watched Bucky closely.

It was then that one of the elevators opened and Tony walked into the open kitchen, walked past Steve and Bucky, not sparing them one glance. Natasha followed him with her eyes as he grabbed some cheese sticks and baby carrots out of the fridge. He caught her eye as he bit down on a carrot and she raised an eyebrow. “What? You expect me to act surprised that Mr. USA here dragged in his brainwashed ex-super assassin puppy AGAIN? Please.” He stuffed another carrot into his mouth. Natasha cocked her head to the side, entirely unimpressed with Tony. Steve glared at him

“I’ll be in the lab if you need me. Don’t let him throw up in the kitchen.” He nodded to Bucky and walked out again. Both Steve and Natasha turned back to Bucky again and their eyes widened simultaneously. Bucky was leaning forward, holding his midsection with both arms, the two pizza boxes open and empty in front of him.

“My god, Buck! You didn’t need to eat everything at once!” Steve jumped up from his seat and grabbed his friend by the shoulder, gently turning him to look at his face. “Are you alright?” Bucky tried to simultaneously shake his head and nod with a pained expression on his face.

“Bathroom.” He muttered. “Yes, sure!” Steve helped his friend up and guided him over to where the bathroom was. Natasha stayed behind with her head in her hands, not sure what the appropriate response for this ridiculous situation was.


	3. Chapter 3

In the end Bucky didn’t have to throw up or at least they didn’t hear him throw up as Steve and Natasha waited outside the bathroom.

“Why did you give him two pizzas? He was starving, no wonder he wolfed it all down.” Natasha groaned, she was leaning against the wall next to the bathroom door. Steve stood opposite her, his arms folded over his chest. He didn’t answer for a long time and Natasha wondered if he even heard her.

“I had a dumb thought.” He finally said. Natasha snorted.

“Not that kind of thought.” He sighed and pushed back his hair with one hand. “Back then, before the war, we used to do this a lot.” He started and Natasha held back a sarcastic remark at the seriousness of his tone. “When we could afford it we got a pizza each. It wasn’t often, but now and then, and I always insisted on getting a whole one even though they sold smaller pieces too. He would always make fun of me, joking that I would never manage to finish it. He was right of course. Before the serum I didn’t really eat that much, not for lack of trying though.” Steve looked at the wall beside her, lost in his memories. Natasha had seen pictures of pre-serum Steve, even pictures with him and Bucky, back then Bucky had been almost a head taller than Steve, now Steve got a few inches on Bucky and couple of pounds of muscles as well.

“Once I couldn’t eat anymore Bucky had already finished his.” Steve let out a small laugh at the memory. “Without saying anything he would just take the rest of mine and finish it. He knew I was embarrassed that I couldn’t finish it, so he didn’t say anything, but we also didn’t want to let any food go to waste.”

“And you thought maybe sharing a pizza now would bring some memories.” Natasha stated and Steve looked to the ground. “It was a stupid idea.” Steve said.

“Maybe you should have just started eating the other one, but I have a feeling he probably would have tried to break your hand if you had touched it.” She joked and a small smile crossed Steve’s face. “Yeah.”

“You should try again, when he’s a bit more nourished.” She suggested and Steve nodded.

The door next to Natasha opened and she stepped back. Bucky still looked a little uneasy as he stepped out, but nobody commented on it.

Bucky just stood in the doorway showing no indication to move until Steve asked: “Shower?” And Bucky slowly nodded.

“I’m going to show you your room, it has an en suite bathroom with a bathtub and a shower, you can use whatever you want. I’m going to give you some of my stuff to get clean, we’ll get you your own later.” They took the elevator a few stories down. Tony had remodeled the tower so each Avenger could potentially have their own floor but Steve preferred to have one of the smaller apartments further down in the tower and as far as he knew Natasha had holed up somewhere similar, though he was not sure where exactly. Tony tried to get them to move into their designed apartments in regular intervals but Steve had always refused. Now he was glad for it because it meant that Bucky could have an apartment on the same floor as him and wouldn’t have to stay alone.

Natasha tracked along behind them and waited outside Steve’s apartment with Bucky as Steve went to retrieve shampoo, shower gel and a few clothes. She watched Bucky closely and for the first time really realized how broken the man looked. He was hunched over, his left arm pressed closely to his side, his gaze unfocused on the ground. If it wasn’t for the clearly visible metal hand she would have thought it was a completely different man than the one she had fought months ago and who had managed to shoot her in the end. Neither of them spoke as they waited for Steve.

They left Bucky to his own devices once Steve had explained how the shower turned on. Steve rubbed the back of his neck as they stood in front of Bucky’s newly claimed apartment. “I should probably head out, get him some stuff, could you maybe-“ Natasha raised an eyebrow and Steve dropped his hand to his side. “Could you keep an eye on him?”

“Sure.” Natasha shrugged, Steve nodded stiffly and made to walk back to the elevators. Natasha felt her team mate’s reluctance to leave his friend alone. “Or I could go and you keep an eye on him.” Natasha suggested with a half-smile on her lips. Steve let out a sigh of relief. “You would do that?”

“Yeah, I’m going to get him My little pony shampoo.” She joked before walking off.

 

An hour later Natasha found Steve sitting on the floor across Bucky’s door, arms around his knees, looking for all what it's worth like a kicked puppy.

“What happened?” Natasha dreaded the answer. If Bucky had taken a turn for the worse, she really didn’t want to imagine what that looked like. She unconsciously felt for the gun hidden underneath her jacket, reassuring herself that is was still there.

Steve groaned and rubbed his face with both hands. “I just wanted to check on him and knocked, didn’t get an answer, so I peaked in and… “ Natasha narrowed her eyes. “…and?”

“He threw the bedside lamp at me.”

Natasha pinched the bridge of her nose. “You’re an idiot.”

“I was worried!” Steve exclaimed. Natasha shook her head. “Let me do this.”

She approached the door and knocked. No answer. “You alright in there?” No answer. She knocked again. “Are you decent?” No answer, but she could hear shuffling around. “I got your stuff, can I come in?” No answer. Natasha let out a frustrated sigh and glanced to Steve, who just shrugged. “Listen, are you wearing pants? That’s all I care about.” More shuffling and then a muffled “Yes.” She quickly opened the door and ducked inside, shielding her head with one arm in case another lamp came flying, but it didn’t. Bucky was standing in the middle of the room watching her enter with the same blank expression on his face that she had already seen so often. He was only wearing a pair of Steve’s sweatpants, his torso was bare and so were his feet. The first thing she noticed however was his left shoulder, or rather what was left of it. She had had no idea how far up the metal actually went, she had always thought it was just his arm, but now she saw that his whole shoulder was gone almost up to his neck, replaced by cold silver metal. On his chest it reached to down to his pectoral muscle and the transition looked unnatural. She didn’t know if she expected the connection between human flesh and bionic arm to look anything but unnatural, but to her it looked way too clean, too surgical. She had a lot more expected scars, but there were surprisingly little around his shoulder and only one bigger one on his chest, it rather looked like they had literally sliced his shoulder off and plucked in a metal replacement. Maybe that’s what happened.

He noticed her stare and dropped his head, his wet hair falling into his face. He turned his left side away from her, hiding most of his arm from her view. He wordlessly extended his human hand for the bag she was still holding. Natasha shook herself out of it and careful not to touch him dropped it into his open hand. As he turned around to dump the content on the bed, Natasha had a clear view of his back and the metal reached just as far down here as on his chest, maybe even further. She could see the muscle underneath his skin and the metal equivalent connected to it move as one as he shuffled through the things she had bought him, picking up the bottles and studying them, then dropping them again. At last he picked up the comb she had bought and sat down on the bed, starting to run it through his hair with little success. His hair was still damp and tangled and very unyielding to the comb. It didn’t help that he displayed the dexterity of a brick while trying to untangle his hair, running the comb through from the top of his head instead of trying to unknot it from the ends. Even though the blank expression had returned to his face the ripping sound of comb against hair knots made it evident that it hurt.

“I can’t watch this.” Natasha finally said and walked over to him. “Give me that.” She held out her hand for the comb. Bucky stared at her hand for a moment before holding out the comb to her. She took it from his hand, her fingers accidently brushing against the cold metal of his fingers and he immediately pulled his hand back, dropping it into this lap. He looked at the ground beside her feet unable to meet her eyes.

She positioned herself on his right side. “Tell me when I’m pulling to hard.” She warned before grabbing a section of his hair and carefully running the comb through the ends, holding the hair tight with her other hand so she didn’t pull directly at his scalp. Neither of them said a word as Natasha continued to brush out the tangles. “I knew it was a good thing I bought you conditioner with your hair length, you have to use that the next time, then you won’t have a problem with brushing your hair.”

“Conditioner?”

“Don’t you know what conditioner is?” Natasha asked perplexed. Bucky slowly shook his head. “Good god, what did they do at HYDRA when you came back from a mission? Hose you down and blow dry you?” Bucky tensed at the mention of his former handlers and Natasha regretted saying anything. She stopped combing for a moment, awaiting his reaction.

“Yes.” He simply said and Natasha frowned, she had been joking of course. She had had no idea how close to the truth she had been. No wonder he didn’t know how to take care of himself.

“Sorry.” She offered and after a moment she could see the tension in his shoulders disappear. She let go of his hair for a moment and grabbed the shampoo and conditioner bottles from the bed. She dropped them in his lap and he picked them up. She started combing again as he studied the bottles. “Left one of shampoo, you do that one first, rinse it out and then you use the conditioner afterwards, rinse that out as well. It’ll help avoid all this.” She gently pulled at his hair to demonstrate her point. She watched him turn the bottles around in his hand, reading the labels on both before putting them on the bed again on his left side. He reached around her and grabbed another item.

“Shaving cream.” She explained. “You use that on your face before doing anything with a razor to it.” She dropped the bag of one use razors into his lap as well. Explanations for toothbrush, toothpaste and deodorant followed. She had no idea how much he actually knew about the stuff, but he didn’t object to her explaining everything. She could tell he had relaxed a little bit after that, all the items from the bag had made it to his left side and she was almost done combing the right side of his head.

“Now, you either need to turn around or let me climb on the bed behind you.” She knew if she were in his position, she would be uncomfortable with a known assassin at her back so she rather gave him ample warning before doing so herself. He glanced up at her but didn’t move, he nodded once and she took it as permission to climb on the bed. She propped herself up on her knees, on leg on either side of his hip and continued her work on his hair. Now up close she could also study his arm a little more without upsetting him again. At this proximity she could tell there were in fact two types of scars on his skin, besides the more obvious scars, that she could now identify as burn scars, there were also tiny scars from stitches running along the perimeter where metal met flesh and to her surprise the connection was not closed, it opened a few millimeters every time he breathed in and closed again when he breathed out. The metal plating separated from his skin every time and revealing a layer of metal that seemed to run underneath his skin as well. It made her wonder how much of his body they had actually replaced when giving him that arm. She also noticed small patches of hair missing here and there where scar tissue on his scalp had prevented the hair from growing back. The marks were spread out evenly around his head. She did not want to think from what kind of procedure those were from.

At some point during their grooming session Natasha wondered what Steve was thinking, if he still sat outside the door. He probably was.

It was surreal combing tangles out of an amnesiac super-assassin's hair, especially if said assassin had put a bullet into her flesh not only once but twice. On some level she could relate to him, she mused, people had messed with her head, turned her into something she wasn't. She didn't know what exactly they did to Bucky, but if anything of the man she knew from Steve's stories was left in the man sitting before her, it was definitely worth saving and if she could help him regain some of his humanity by simply treating him like a human, then she would do so. She grudgingly admitted that at some point in her life she would have put a bullet into his brain, to put him out of his misery, but her time with SHIELD and especially her time with the Avengers had changed her.

“Do you remember anything?” She suddenly asked, curiosity getting the better of her. She heard him take in a sharp breath and almost regretted asking. “No.” He didn’t say anything after that for a long time and she thought that was the end of it.

“It’s like a black wall inside my head.” He sighed. “It’s hard to describe, but every time I try to look behind it my head fogs up and I can’t think clearly anymore, so much noise.” He suddenly rubbed his eyes with his hands and shook his head, making Natasha pull back the comb in surprise. Then as if realizing something he dropped his hands and stared at them, clenching the metal one into a fist for a moment and then dropping it to his lap again. His shoulders slumped and he leaned forward holding his head in his other hand.

“Why did you stop?”

“I’m done.” Natasha climbed from the bed and held out the comb to him. He looked at is as if it were some alien object before taking it from her hand. Natasha took a few steps back towards the door.

“If you need anything just ask.” She said, a small smile ghosting over her lips, before she turned to the door, she glanced at the broken lamp next to it for a moment before slipping out of the room, leaving Bucky along again.

Outside Steve was eagerly waiting. “And?”

Natasha shrugged. “He’s fine.”

“Fine?” Steve asked incredulously.

“Yeah. But maybe wait till he’s dressed before you try to go in again.” She winked at him before walking down the hallway towards the elevator. Steve looked after her until she rounded a corner and then stared at the door, the look of confusion never leaving his face.

 

* * *

 

 

Steve hadn’t given him anything else but a shirt, so he put that on. He would have preferred something with long sleeves, but it would have to be enough. He gathered the bottles from the bed and put them in their respective places in the bathroom. It felt like the right thing to do, he was not sure why. He put the new shower gel and shampoo bottles into the shower along with the conditioner and removed Steve’s things. He didn’t know what to do with them, so he just put them on the little table in the bedroom. The rest of the things he put on the little shelf over the sink.

Shaving was an experience. It took him a full minute to figure out how the shaving cream worked and he nicked himself several times with the razor, but in the end he managed to remove the annoying facial hair. He splashed his face with water and looked up at the mirror, leaning on the sink with both hands. Now clean shaven and with combed dry hair he looked almost like a human being, if it weren’t for the dead eyes that stared back at him. He didn’t recognize the person in the mirror, so he looked away.

He sat on the bed for a while. Steve knocked on the door several times and he ignored him. At some point Steve knocked again to inform him that he would be leaving and that he was just down the hall, he’d put a sign on his apartment door, so Bucky could find him, if he needed anything. Outside of the window it had turned dark. He waited a little longer before getting up and looking outside. Steve was gone like he had said. Finding the elevator was not difficult; choosing which button to press inside was however. The display showed that he was on the 35th floor, but he had no idea which floor he wanted to go to. He was tempted to just press a few and check out the upper floors, when a sudden voice made him jump.

“Where would you like to go, Mr. Barnes?”

The voice came from the walls, he had heard it before. Jarvis, Steve had called it, he didn’t know what it was, but it was watching him and he didn’t like it. He had unconsciously pressed himself into the corner of the elevator again, arms wrapped tightly around himself.

“Do you require assistance, Mr. Barnes?”

“Don’t call me that.” He whispered.

“You are in my database under the name of James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes, known alias: the Winter Soldier.”

He violently shook his head.

“Would you like me to call you Bucky, Sir?”

The voice asked and he didn’t know.

“I would like to go to the lab.” He finally managed to say and seconds later the elevator started to move upwards.

The elevator doors dinged open and he stepped out, a feeling of dread washed over him at the prospect of entering a lab. He remembered the HYDRA laboratories. He remembered the chair, the leather bounds around his arm and legs and the metal clamp around his metal wrist to keep him from hitting the scientists working on his arm. He remembered killing a few on several occasions, or maybe they survived, he didn’t know. Their faces were all blurred. He remembered the apparatus coming down over his head and the pain. He remembered the pain.

The edges of his vision blurred and he started to tremble. He had only managed to take a few steps into the hallway, before he was on the verge of hyperventilating and had to stop.

Focus on your mission, he told himself. Complete your mission! He repeated the mantra over and over in his head and it helped. His mind cleared and he focused on his breathing, slowly getting it back under control, the tremors subsided. After a moment the hallway became clear before his eyes again. Complete your mission!

He didn’t like that it helped.

“Mr. Stark is in the laboratory at the end of the hallway to your left.” The voice explained. “Stark?”

“Tony Stark, the man who fixed your arm three days ago. I assumed you wanted to see him.”

He nodded, that was the plan. The labs all had windows lining the walls allowing everybody to see inside, when walking down the hallway, right now the labs were deserted. He kept his eyes fixed on the door at the end of the hallway.

He didn’t spare the things lying on the table a second glance after he entered the lab, he kept his eyes focused on the back of the man in the middle of the room. He strode over to him and within seconds he was behind him.

The voice said something but he didn’t register what.

 

* * *

 

 

“Sir, Mr. Barnes is here.”

Tony was tinkering with the latest version of what would soon be Sam Wilson’s new wings, holding a screwdriver in each hand. A pair of glasses with additional magnifying lenses attached to it adorned his nose. He acknowledged that Jarvis had talked with a soft hum.

“Sir.” Jarvis insisted.

“Huh? What?” Tony finally pulled his attention away from the circuit in front of him.

“Mr. Barnes is here.” Jarvis repeated. “Who is Barnes?” Tony put down one screwdriver and picked up a pair of small tongs, before poking at the circuit again.

“Your guest, Sir.”

“Cyborg boy you mean?”

“Yes, Sir. He is standing right behind you.” Tony finally looked up; he pulled the magnifying googles off his head and turned around. “Hey, what can I do-“ He didn’t get any further before he was yanked upwards, his feet dangling in the air, tools clattering to the ground and human fingers desperately scratching at unyielding metal. He stared into cold grey eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Yes, Sir. He is standing right behind you.” Tony finally looked up; he pulled the magnifying googles off his head and turned around. “Hey, what can I do-“ He didn’t get any further before he was yanked upwards, his feet dangling in the air, tools clattering to the ground and human fingers desperately scratching at unyielding metal. He stared into cold grey eyes.

„Jarvis!“

„On it, Sir.“

Tony groaned, he grabbed tightly onto the metal arm that was holding him up.

“Appreciate it that you didn’t go for the throat this time. I really do.” Tony’s voice betrayed his panic as the metal hand fisted in his shirt tightened the tiniest bit.

“You put a tracker into my arm.” Bucky finally spoke, his voice calculated and cold.

“Yeah, about that… Seemed like a good idea at that time. You are kind of elusive and since I had the opportunity.”

“Take it out.”

“Yes, yes, no problem, but you kind of have to let me down for that.”

Expecting to be dropped unceremoniously, Tony was surprised when he was gently lowered to the ground instead. At that exact moment a loud thud indicated Steve’s arrival outside the lab as he smacked against the window having run too fast down the hallway. Tony saw him over Bucky’s shoulder and furiously shook his head trying to signal his team mate to stay outside. Bucky turned around slowly each motion controlled and Tony saw his metal hand that had seconds earlier held his shirt clench again into a fist at his side. He made eye contact with Steve imploring him silently to stay where he was.

Steve looked confused but took a step back from where he had been pressed against the glass with no imminent threat visible.

“Come on. He’s not going to come in.” Tony tried to pry Bucky’s attention away from Steve. “Let’s get started.” Slowly Bucky turned to Tony again and his features softened like he saw Tony for the first time since coming in.

Tony pulled over two chairs and motioned Bucky to sit in one, while he scrambled around for the lab for tools. Bucky sat down in the chair and his eyes moved over the tables, taking in the various tools and machinery with the half dozen empty plates of food scattered in between the equipment.

“You like what you see?” Tony plopped down on the chair next to Bucky.

“It’s different.” Bucky murmured.

“Mhm?”

“From the labs I was in.”

“Well, we’re not brainwashing anybody here, or plan world domination for that matter, maybe that’s it.”

Bucky stayed silent, eyes fixed on the ground again.

“You’re going to do your magic trick again.” Tony tapped on the metal plating on Bucky’s upper arm. Bucky closed his eyes and seconds later the metal plating slid open like it had three days ago.

“Oh man, I am never going to get tired of this, this is some amazing engineering. I really wish you would let me take a closer look.”

Bucky stayed silent, so Tony started poking around inside his arm, he had been in a hurry when he put the tracker in so he was not exactly sure where it ended up, he also took the opportunity to study the wiring a little bit more, so he might have worked a little slow on purpose. After a few minutes Bucky got impatient and started fidgeting with his other hand. “How long?”

“Almost got it, you know it’s kind of tiny and I didn’t want you to get it out, so…”

“I got the HYDRA one out.” Bucky stated flatly and Tony raised an eyebrow. “How about that. Of course they would tag you.” Wouldn’t want to lose their precious toy. He didn’t say that out loud. Then he counted two and two together and momentarily removed the tools from Bucky’s arm.

“You wrecked your arm when you took it out, didn’t you?”

Bucky dropped his head even further, his hair falling into his face. He didn’t say anything but the tension that suddenly held his body was answer enough. Tony ran a hand through his hair. “Fuck.”

A movement in the corner of his eye made him turn towards the window again. Steve was gesturing wildly asking silent questions. Tony gave him a quick thumbs-up and Steve dropped his hands, obviously frustrated.

Bucky hadn’t noticed as he had his back to the window, but his earlier impatience rose again and he turned to Tony. “What are you doing?”

“Thinking, mostly. You know this could have been avoided if you had just shown up a little bit earlier, say 4 months maybe. I could have taken the HYDRA tracker out and all would have been dandy.” He leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms.

Bucky glared at Tony. “Your point?”

“I know you think it’s you against the world, but that’s not true, not anymore at least. You got people who want to help you. Steve really REALLY wants to help you. That man is almost exploding because he can’t. And I kind of want too, you’re like a lost sad little puppy, people want to help sad puppies. Even Natasha is warming up to you, god knows how you managed that.” Tony could almost feel the side of his head melting from the intensity of Bucky’s glare.

“Listen, my point is, I could take the tracker out, but I could also leave it in.”

“Take it out.” Bucky hissed.

“No, hear me out. I’ll get it out of those depths of wiring and I’ll put it somewhere where you will be able to take it out yourself, without damaging anything. Just imagine for a second, HYDRA is still after you, right? What if they get you? Or, maybe not as gruesome, you get lost in the city.” Tony shrugged his shoulders. “We’d be able to find you, get you out of whatever trouble you are in and if you really want to get rid of us, than you can take it out.”

Bucky’s face scrunched up in confusion as his brain scrambled to process the information. “I don’t understand.” He closed his eyes and pressed his palm to his brow, his face contorting in pain as if the thoughts suddenly physically hurt him.

“Here let me show you.” Tony wasn’t sure if he was pushing too far with this, but it was worth a shot, if anything went sideways at least Steve was right outside and would hopefully peel a murderous Winter Soldier off of him in time. He tipped his chair back a little and reached behind him, grabbing his goggles from earlier and a spare Stark pad. He pressed the tablet into Bucky’s hand before donning the goggles again. Bucky stared at the thing in his hand, not knowing what to do with it. Tony turned the mini camera on that was mounted next to the magnifying glasses, then tapped the tablet in Bucky’s hand twice with a single finger and it lit up. Bucky flinched back in surprise.

“Never had one of those before?” Tony chuckled. It was like Steve all over again, just a bit more life-threatening.

“I’ve seen people use them.” Bucky admitted; his eyes fixed on the pad that now displayed several icons in blue on an otherwise black screen. Tony tapped the camera icon and the screen changed to a sideways view of Bucky holding the tablet and Bucky almost dropped the pad.

“Camera.” Tony tapped the device on his goggles. Bucky stared at the tiny camera for a moment then looked back at the pad in disbelieve. “I’ve never seen a camera this small before.” He mumbled.

“They didn’t give you updates on technology when they let you out?”

Bucky shook his head. “Weapons, mostly. They just gave me what I needed to know for the mission.” He let out a shaking breath. “and then wiped it again afterwards. I think. I don’t know.” He shook his head again as if to shake off unwanted thoughts, than looked at Tony sternly. “There is still a tracker in my arm.”

“Right.” Tony turned his attention back to Bucky’s arm. “You look at that, and I look at this.” Tony zoomed in a little bit and the tablet now showed the wiring more closely. “This would be really weird if that was a human arm.” Tony joked, before picking up his tools again, he carefully pushed aside a few wires before he maneuvered a pair of tweezers through them, picking up a tiny silver object that was maybe a quarter of an inch wide and only a few millimeters thick. “There it is.”

“The HYDRA one was much bigger.” Bucky remarked, looking at the tablet.

“I bet it was, probably one of those battery powered ones for world-wide location. This one is a small range one, about 20 miles, developed these myself. You would put these into phones or laptops, things like that. It’s not actually sending anything, that’s why it’s not detectable as a bug, it just bounces a mother signal back every few minutes. It doesn’t have a battery, works on induction alone; you just need to attach it to a powered wire.” Tony turned the tiny device over in front of the camera. “Pretty proud of that thing.”

Before Bucky could say anything he put it on one of wires on top and the device attached itself to it. “There. You just need a pair of tweezers and mirror and you can get it out yourself, than just step on it, or something, and it’s gone. Preferably maybe give it back if you don’t want it, I can always use it to bug Steve.” He looked at it a little while longer, giving Bucky some time to look as well, or maybe voice protest in any form.

“Everything alright?”

Bucky was studying the wiring and the tracking device on the tablet for a little while longer, than the metal plating on his arm suddenly closed again.

“Yeah.” Bucky said at last, turning to Tony and handing him the tablet. Tony ignored the tablet and stood up. “Keep that.” He pulled off the goggles and dropped his tools, except the tweezers, which he offered Bucky instead. “Take these too, so you don’t have to go look for any.” Bucky took them carefully with his left hand. Tony leaned back against the table and crossed his arms.

“You know about the internet?” Tony asked curiously. Bucky shook his head. “Only heard about it.”

“Then you know more than Steve did after he woke up.” He gestured for Bucky to hold out the tablet and he did. Tony tapped the screen again and a menu popped up at the top. “X for closing applications.” He tapped the little x in the corner and the camera view disappeared. “And clicking on the icons starts the apps.” He pointed to one that had a stylized S with a little earth animation that floated around it. “This is the internet.” He clicked it and a window with a search bar and a keyboard popped up. “You can search whatever you like, I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

Bucky nodded eyes fixed on the tablet, his face a mixture of confusion and wonder. Tony took a few steps back again, gesturing towards the door. “Off you go, doctor’s appointment is over.”

Bucky stood up, still looking at the tablet in his hand, before looking up at Tony, confusion still evident on his face but there was something else too, Tony couldn’t place it and neither could Bucky apparently as he nodded once and then quickly looked away again before bolting for the door.

“You’re welcome.” Tony said as Bucky was already out of the door. He watched him brush past Steve without sparing him one glance, Steve desperately wanting to start a conversation but giving up, as Bucky was almost running down the hallway to get away.

Steve looked after his friend before finally entering the lab.

“What happened?” Steve demanded.

“I really hope you appreciate what I am doing here, you have no idea how hard it was for me to hold back on the jokes for fear of my face having a date with a metal fist.” Tony exclaimed. “He’s like you but in a ticking time-bomb sort of way.”

“I don’t understand.”

Tony groaned. “Doesn’t matter, he still has a tracking device on him and I gave him a Stark pad so he can educate himself. Happy?”

Steve ran a hand through his hair and looked back out into the hallway, Bucky long since gone. “I guess. I just wish he would talk to me.”

 

The rest of the night passed without further incident, Steve decided it would be better to try to engage Bucky again in the morning and retreated to his own apartment. Tony had a heart to heart with Jarvis saying Jarvis hadn’t warned him early enough that a brainwashed super assassin was on his way to the lab to which the electronic butler responded that he had indeed warned him, but Tony had not listened. The engineer decided he would call it a night as well.

The next morning was unspectacular as was every other morning following this one; Steve knocked on Bucky’s door in regular intervals over the course of the day, but got ignored every time. He eventually resorted to leaving trays of food in front of his door, sometimes he found them untouched but occasionally they were empty. In the evenings Steve knocked on Bucky’s door for the last time that day, telling him once again where his apartment was and to come and ask for help if needed. For the remaining inhabitants of the tower it was painful to watch.

A few days later Natasha was reclining on the couch in the common room reading a book as it had become her habit over the past couple of weeks when Steve stepped out of the elevator with a tray in his hands that had contained Bucky’s dinner.

“Still no luck?” She called over when he walked into the kitchen area.

“No.” Steve admitted, he sounded tired. “He doesn’t even answer me, just stays silent every time I knock, no matter what I say. If Jarvis didn’t tell me that he was actually alive in there, I would have probably already broken down the door.” He put the empty plates into the dishwasher. “It’s so frustrating.” He knocked the dishwasher door shut with his foot maybe a little bit to hard.

“Don’t break the kitchen. “Natasha remarked without looking up from the book. “Or you will be washing all the dishes by hand.” Steve grumbled an apology.

“I just don’t understand why he talks to you and to Tony, but avoids me like the plague. I’m the only one he actually remembers.” He rubbed both hands over his face and let out a sigh.

“Maybe that’s the problem.”

Steve stood there leaning against the counter with his jaw set staring at the opposite wall. After several minutes where only the soft flutter of the pages of Natasha’s book could be heard Steve finally announced he would go to bed, leaving Natasha alone in the common room.

 

She stayed alone for another two hours before she heard the elevator doors open and a sliver of light came pouring into the dark hallway. She was barely able to hear the footsteps, which made it clear who it was that had just entered the common room. She didn’t look up from her book but followed the figure in her peripheral vision as he walked across the room. He didn’t say anything as he settled in the arm chair furthest away from her. The same thing had happened the past couple of days unbeknownst to Steve. He never spoke and Natasha always ignored him and continued to read her book. He seemed content to just spend time in someone’s company. Today however Natasha decided the mutual silence was not going to cut it. She pretended to read her book for a while, before she got impatient and looked up. He was sitting with his knees pulled up, still wearing the same shirt and sweatpants he had worn the previous nights, his arms wrapped around his midsection. He was staring in the direction of the big TV without actually looking at it.

“Hey.” She said and his eyes flickered to her for a moment, before returning to his previous fixed point. It was the only indication he gave that he heard her.

“How are you?” No reaction.

“How is life in the tower treating you?” A one sided shrug.

“Heard Stark gave you one of his tablets.” He suddenly tensed and Natasha’s eyes narrowed in suspicion. “Did you look stuff up on the internet?” Silence.

“I broke it.” He finally said.

“You broke the internet?” Natasha asked maybe a little bit too fast.

“Yes.” Natasha laughed loudly and he finally turned his head slightly to glare at her. “Sorry. You broke the tablet.” She clarified and he nodded. “Don’t worry, Stark’ll give you a new one.”

“I don’t want it.”

“Why not?”

“It doesn’t work.”

Natasha put her book away and found a more comfortable position facing her visitor pulling her legs up underneath herself. “How come? I doubt Stark gave you a broken tablet.” He looked away and didn’t answer. Not a good subject then. “What did you look up?”

She didn’t think he would answer her as he stayed silent for several minutes and she was about to pick up her book again.

“Me.” He paused, swallowing hard. “I mean, I looked up Barnes.” He still didn’t look at her, his eyes darkened and Natasha thought it better not to press the issue. She was not surprised that his past life was the first thing he would look up. There were loads of information about him on the internet, of course, maybe too much for someone who can’t remember any of it; maybe that’s why the tablet had met its end.

“Did you look anything else up?” She asked carefully, trying to pull him back into a conversation.

“Cyborgs.” That made her chuckle.

“Stark called me ‘cyborg boy’, I wanted to know what that meant.”

“Did you find a picture of yourself?”

He looked down at his arm. “No.” Natasha had the feeling that neither of those subject were really something he wanted to talk about, but he didn’t seem to be opposed to talking in general, so she tried another approach.

“Hey, I know you have been running around in the same clothes for days now, do you want to go shopping?” For the first time he actually turned to her his brows furrowed in confusion.

“You know, go out, buy stuff, unless you don’t want to go out.” She absentmindedly picked pieces of fluff off her jeans.

“I’ve been out for the past four months.” He said.

“Right. I know. I just thought maybe you didn’t like … people.” She shrugged. “Nevermind. “ She moved to pick up her book again.

“I don’t have any money.” He suddenly said and her head jerked back to him in surprise. “If we go …shopping.” He said the word as if it tasted weird. “I don’t have any money.”

“Oh. Don’t worry about it, we’ll borrow one of Stark’s credit cards, he won’t mind.” She smiled slyly and a spark of excitement entered his eyes, the first positive emotion she had seen on his otherwise blank face. “Good. I’ll get you tomorrow morning, maybe you could neaten up a little bit.” He looked at her confused. “Shave.”

“Oh. Okay.” He turned back to the TV and that was it. Natasha tried again to read her book but something bothered her still.

“Can I ask you something?”

“You’re already asking.” Bucky answered.

“Why are you ignoring Steve?”

He sighed and stayed silent for a long time again. “It’s like ripping open a fresh wound.” He breathed. “Raw and painful, looking at him I mean. I can’t do it. It makes me feel all those things that I don’t understand, but I know I should. I know we are supposed to have this deep connection, I can feel it, but it’s just static on my end, like the signal is not coming through.” He dropped his head into his hands.” I don’t know what would happen if we actually talked, I fear I might end up… ” He broke off and took a calming breath, wrapping his arms around his legs. “I fear I might end up losing what little control I have now.” That was not what he had meant to say the first time. “I am barely holding it together right now.” His voice almost broke at the end of the sentence as he looked at her, his eyes full of fear. He was afraid of himself, of what he would do. If it hadn’t been clear how close to the edge he was before, it was now and Natasha could feel fear creep into her and she tried to cover it up before it showed in her expression as well, but he saw it. His face contorted in pain as he turned away. He quickly stood up, pressing his left arm to close to his body and hurried past her. He said something that might have been a ‘See you tomorrow’ before he was halfway to the elevator.

“Hey.” Natasha called after him, a cheerful expression back on her face. He stopped but didn’t turn around, a slight turn of his head the only indication that he was listening.

“Next time you get the chance, look up cat pictures.”

Now he looked at her over his shoulder at her. “Cats?” He asked confused.

“Yeah.” She beamed a smile at him. “It’s therapeutic.”

His eyes flickered to the side as he processed the information, not sure if she was just messing with him.

“I’ll keep it in mind.” He mumbled.

“Good.” Natasha turned back to her book once again, listening to him walk over to the elevator. As the sliver of light from the elevator finally vanished she slammed her book close and let out a sigh, sliding down on the couch as the tension left her body, wondering if some of the recklessness of the other Avengers had finally rubbed off on her.

This plan was crazy.


End file.
